Holiday Happenings, Part I Can You Imagine...?, Volume III Read online

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  The Signal!

  Column #104 7-3-08

  Wowzer, I went jet skiing for the first time in my life the other day! And even though I’m still taking Aleve, it was worth it! If you’ve never been on a jet ski, I strongly suggest trying it this July 4th weekend. You don’t have to own one either. Just go to any lake in the area and meet some folks with jet skis. Then express child-like enthusiasm and they just may offer you a ride. I’d be remiss, however, if I didn’t suggest a few pointers I learned that day. Just so you’re prepared…

  First of all, it doesn’t matter how avid of a swimmer you are, you must wear a life vest. May I suggest bringing your own, you wouldn’t want to get asked to ride and be life-vest-less. Or be offered a vest that would fit Moby Dick or Tiny Tim. Just keep a spare in your trunk with your swim trunks and you’ll be good to go when someone offers to take you for a spin. Okay, a few more tips and you’re on your way.

  Sunscreen is paramount for a successful day at the lake. I used SPF 45 and didn’t feel a thing. Believe me, after four and a half hours on the water, I should have been crispy…toasty…blistered… Okay, forget the visual. Where was I?

  Oh yeah, don’t forget to wear sunglasses and a baseball cap. Any color hat will suffice; it’s only a watercraft ride. Of course, I like to color coordinate with the outfit I’m wearing, but that’s just me. And the glare off the water can be brutal, protect those baby blues with an old pair of sunglasses…in case you lose them in the water.

  Now here’s the most important tip I can offer you…tinkle first. Or whatever you need to do in order to have an unexpected surprise as you glide across the water. You’ll feel freer to enjoy yourself if you dispose of any eminent bodily functions first.

  Then as you climb on the back of that powered water transport behind someone who thinks they’re in the coveted Jet Ski Olympics, all I can advise is…hang on! A great place to hold, so I was told, is the armpit area of the life jacket of the person sitting in front of you. It’s easy to apply a death grip and should you go overboard, chances are they’ll go too.

  The most vital element, however, I learned that day was the signal. Yes, the very essence of life itself. If not for the signal, someone could get seriously hurt. For example, allow me a play-by-play…

  …the driver…experienced in almost every mode of fast moving transportation…cautiously maneuvered the watercraft away from the dock…slowly, effortlessly he maintained idle speed in the ‘no wake’ zone and steered toward open water. My excitement rose…I smelled the fresh air…felt the sun on my arms…life was good! Slowly the jet ski sped up…just a tease…a little ‘let’s see what this thing can do.’ I felt one with the universe…moving along the right side of the lake I admired the homes. Oops, the jet ski picked up a little more speed…ohhhh, how exciting. I laughed out loud thinking life couldn’t possibly get any better…trying to remember the last time I had so much fun…but wait, it’s only been ten minutes…who cares, life is grand! Then…the signal came. The driver took off his hat and handed it to me…being the kind person I am, I tucked it in my life vest for safe keeeeeeeepppppiiiiinnnnnng…HOLY DICKENS! Can we say 0 to 60 in 2.5 seconds!

  Had they lost their mind, because I lost mine! It flew out of my head when my hat blew off. Thank goodness my hat came off, because we had to slow down and retrieve my now soaked ball cap. Couldn’t find my heart though; I think it was still in my throat. A quick, uneasy glance told me I was too far from shore to swim. Suddenly, I realized, I was stranded in the middle of a large body of water with Speed Racer. What had I gotten myself into, I thought as my wits slowly returned.

  By the way, did you know there’s also a slalom course running down the middle of every lake? But seriously, I got a chance to drive and managed to reach 30mph for a few seconds. Trust me that’s fast on water. Honestly though, after I drove for a bit, I wasn’t so nervous the second time he drove…once I learned the signal.

  Can you imagine…passenger brakes on a jet ski?

  Happy Birthday America!

  Column #208 7-1-10

  Happy birthday to you…happy birthday to you…happy birthday A-mer-riiiica…happy birthday to you! Yes, this great country we live in is turning 234 years old Sunday and while we’ve had our share of growing pains over the years she’s looking pretty good for her age.

  If you’ll recall your history lessons we started with just thirteen colonies. Now America has grown into a nation of fifty amazing states with their own special qualities, attractions and residents. Of course, we have the occasional joke about West Virginia hillbillies and armpits in New Jersey. But we only poke fun because we love you guys.

  This July 4th, however, I learned a few things about this country that I thought I’d pass along while you’re still sober enough to take it all in because I know some of you are celebrating already. Just remember…no drinking and driving, no drinking and peeing in the pool. And there is no way drinking will afford you the ability to recite the Declaration of Independence. So forget about it.

  Anyway, did you realize when the Declaration of Independence was signed there were only 2.5 million folks living in this country? Today’s birthday party guest list is approximately 309.6 million strong and still growing. Dickens, that’s a lot of party hats and barbecue chicken!

  Also, almost three million dollars in America flags were imported from China last year. You know, somehow, that just seems un-American. This year try to buy your flags locally. Or at least take the little gold ‘made in China’ sticker off before you go streaking around the neighborhood waving Old Glory proudly.

  BANG! POW!

  Oh, that reminds me…let’s talk fireworks. Nothing quite compares to an amazing firework display complete with a huge grand finale of noise, bright lights and smoke. Wowzer, talk about birthday candles! Sort of gives your little sparkler Big Bang Envy, doesn’t it? Yet, China shines again with over $200 million in imported fireworks.

  Now you’re asking, “So, what do we have that China doesn’t have?” Well, I’ll tell you…food! Hotdogs for starters; and the state with the most four-legged porkers is Iowa. Of course, North Carolina is one of the top four, so chances are your grilled hotdogs came from our home state.

  But if you’re like me and would rather throw a steak (or hamburger) on the grill it probably came from a Texas longhorn. Obviously, Texas just has more room to roam because there are about four pigs to every one cow, so they would naturally raise beef rather than pork. And according to measurement conversion charts that equates to eight hotdogs per every steak.

  North Carolina is also one of the leaders in chickens also, which means your barbecue chicken probably came from this state. And if you’re even thinking about having a cookout this July Fourth and not having watermelon, think again. Floridians have been busy growing the best watermelons in the country. And I’m here to tell you if it doesn’t come from China you should put it on the menu.

  Have a safe and wonderful Fourth of July this year. Whether you cookout, watch fireworks or have your own backyard display remember we are celebrating over 200 years of standing on our own two feet and we should be proud to be an American…armpits and all!

  Can you imagine…a safe and Happy Fourth of July?