Holiday Happenings Part 2 "Can You Imagine...?" Volume IV Read online



  Can You Imagine…?

  by Bobbi G

  The Best Collection of Holiday Happenings, Part 2

  Volume IV

  Copyright 2012

  Thank you for downloading this eBook. Please tell all your friends.

  This book may be not be reproduced, copied and/or distributed.

  Books written by Bobbi G can be obtained either through the author’s official website:

  www.Bobbi-G.com

  or through select, online book retailers.

  Bobbi G columns are also available for your reading pleasure at:

  https://www.focusnewspaper.com/bobbig.php and https://www.Bobbi-G.com

  Table of Contents

  Proceed With Caution

  Shopping Daze

  Shopping Daze II

  The Christmas Wish

  My Christmas Mug

  A Very Canine Christmas

  A Very Feline Christmas

  A Very Fishy Christmas

  A Very Rodent Christmas

  A Very Fowl Christmas

  Previously Owned Gift Wrap

  “Christmas Spirit” Resolution

  Proceed With Caution

  Column #128 12-18-08

  Are you a last minute shopper? Me? I’m always last minute. Sometimes, last nano-second! But before you venture out into the mall-of-madness for last minute gifts; there are a few things you need to do first to prepare yourself.

  Following you will find a checklist that will come in handy during those frantic moments when you’ve suddenly realized you’ve forgotten someone. Don’t freak! Forgetting is a natural aging process. And let’s face it; you’re not as young as you were last year at this time. Thus, I’ve created this list to be thorough and effective. Now, let’s get started!

  1 – DON’T PANIC!: Seriously, don’t panic. The sky won’t fall if cousin Thad doesn’t get a tub of Texas Pete nacho flavored popcorn. Trust me, he will survive and his wife with thank you.

  2 – WARM UP: By this I mean light exercising such as: sit-ups, push-ups, crunches, jumping jacks, somersaults, stair climbing, kickboxing and weight lifting. Then cool down with Yoga, it will steady your nerves and clear your mind of clutter. Keep it simple and fun as this will prepare your body for the frustrated crowds, gift grabbing, cart pushing, plastic swiping and strenuous bag carrying you will face once you enter the ‘madness’ zone.

  3 – REPEAT “FIVE DOLLAR LIMIT, FIVE DOLLAR LIMIT”: Do you realize how many items can be purchased for fewer than five dollars? Um…I counted four when I searched Google, but that’s not the point. The point is to train your brain to think ‘budget.’ For example, musical greeting cards are under five dollars. What a great last minute gift idea! Besides music always makes us smile. How many reindeer neck ties can say that?

  3 1/2 – AVOID SEASONAL GIFTS: Aunt Mabel doesn’t need another snowman sweater. Neither do I, or Uncle Buck, or Cousin Sue, or… Well, you get the drift.

  4 – LEAVE CREDIT CARDS AT HOME!: I say this every year. There is absolutely no reason to get yourself into debt because you feel guilty about forgetting to buy your son’s third grade teacher a gift. Besides, didn’t he graduate college last year? My point exactly.

  5 – LOSE THE SHOPPING CART: Opt instead for the small shopping basket with handles. Your brain will get the message that you are not there to buy out this season’s “newest and improvedest” and you will be on target to stay within your budget! (Yes, you may use two, but no more.)

  6 – LOOK FOR BARGINS: There’s no law that stipulates you can’t buy closeouts or factory rejects. Besides a motorized car that only goes in reverse is different…some like different. Just make sure you wrap it extra nice with lots of ribbons. Include extra batteries too.

  7 – BEWARE OF SHOPAHOLISM!: Face it; we are addicted to feeling good. The sense of well-being that dopamine produces. And shopping causes our brains to release dopamine. So does ice cream. Better yet, stay home and have an ice cream cone, you’ll save time and money. Then repeat item two and exercise.

  8 – LEAVE WEE PEOPLE AT HOME: Kids come predesigned with a natural ability to push our buttons, getting their way. Translation: bigger, pricier gifts. This is effectively avoided by leaving ‘button pushers’ out of the shopping experience. At least, until they have their own job and ask you what you want for Christmas.

  9 – PARK IN EYGPT: Meaning the farthest reaches of the universe (parking lot). This mental strategy reminds you that you won’t feel like lugging huge items to the car. Thus, you buy smaller gifts remembering the ‘five dollar limit’ strategy.

  10 – START WITH HAPPY-TUDE: Probably the most essential item you need to remember is to not get caught up in all the commercialism of the season and instead spread kindness and good cheer to everyone. Come to think of it, Happy-tude is the best gift you could give…all year long!

  Can you imagine…if someone else did the shopping?

  Shopping-Daze

  Column #178 12-3-09

  It’s 3 am. The chill is almost unbearable. Rubbing gloved hands up and down your arms, as if that could provide warmth, you sense others around you shivering also. You hear their labored breathing. See their breath suspended in the air with every exhale. And yet you wait.

  Sleep teases you. Drinking from your mega-ounce coffee mug in an attempt to ward it off you start to question your motives. Begin to judge your level of sanity. Is this rational, you think to yourself. I could be in bed sleeping. I would at least be warm. Zaaapppp! Reality slaps you in the face and you remember why. And so you wait.

  The crowd in front of you begins to stir. Has someone seen something? Clutching the sale flyer tighter you know this store’s layout well. Mentally you go over your purchasing strategy. If only you could have convinced your ‘bah-humbug’ relatives to join you, you would have strategically placed them in key departments to procure the sale items you quest after. Instead, you’ll just have to move fast…very fast.

  “What was that?” You surprisingly said out loud. A murmur begins to ripple through the crowd. Excitement is flowing through the frigid air. Feet are shuffling. Voices are exclaiming, “This is it! This is it!”

  Your spine begins to tingle. It’s happening! echoes through your mind. If only your friends could understand what it’s all about! But you know…only so well…

  Store lights flicker then stay on. The crowd’s excitement is contagiously electrifying. You no longer feel the cold. Sleep is banished from every fiber of your being. Anonymous faces start pushing their way toward the doors. Shuffling, rustling and murmuring are the only sounds hanging in the crisp morning air. But there is something else in the air; something you can’t quite put your finger on.

  Suddenly there’s commotion in front of you. Warm air rushes past your face and you realize the doors are open. Everyone moves forward at once as if a single living, breathing body. You hear the voices of store personnel instructing “Don’t push! Please walk!”

  You begin to move forward but you don’t recall taking steps. Are you walking? You’re not sure. Yet you’re in the middle of a pulsating mass moving toward the fluorescent lights and warmth.

  Suddenly, you’re inside. At least you think you’re inside. The sound beneath your winter boots seems to have changed tone, you think its carpeting. People are shouting and scurrying about. Mass confusion ensues. Department! Department! Department! Which department were you going to first? Your mind is blank! Your thoughts have failed you! People are rushing past you, shoving you out of their way.

  “They call this Black Friday, it should be called Black Hole
Friday or, Insanity Friday or, I’ve completely lost my mind FridaY!” you groan out loud. Yet, trying not to panic you move toward the outer edge of the crowd so you can think clearly. Hmm…electronics…

  Yes, electronics! But wait! The store appears to have morphed into unfamiliar terrain overnight. They’ve moved all the departments! Your mind shrieks as panic flares. Looking left, then right, there’s no sign of electronics. People are whizzing by you. How come THEY know where they are going! You scream inside your head. Deciding the best approach would be to find the center of the store and climb the highest supporting post to scout your way from there.

  Setting out in the general direction of the store’s most central point and wishing you had packed a compass, bottled water and power bars, you try to calm yourself by humming along to the Christmas music playing on the store’s speaker system. Finally arriving at your destination, you find a large column and consider how to scale the slick surface. A seemingly insurmountable task, you opt to climb the shelving instead.

  Grabbing the top shelf and giving a sharp tug, it appears strong enough to hold your weight. Then sliding jugs of ‘bleaching alternative’ to the side with your left foot and grabbing the top shelf with both hands you step on the bottom shelf and heave yourself off the floor. One shelf…then another shelf…you’re making progress. Just two more shelves to go. Suddenly…

  (…to be continued)

  Shopping Daze II

  Column #179 12-10-09

  (con’t from last week)

  …breaking in on White Christmas you hear over the store’s speaker’s system an announcement about ‘sale’ items in electronics, but there’s so much noise from shoppers in the aisle below you couldn’t quiet hear. Climbing faster, you heave yourself on the top shelf when the word ‘Squeezebox’ gets your attention. “What?! What did they just say?” you shout at the people below.

  No response. No one even looks up to see you perched precariously on the top shelf between two huge boxes of Tide. Squeezebox Touch! That’s only the hottest new electronic gadget of 2009 (depending on whom you talk too) and you MUST have one. “Oh my gawwwddd...what did they say?!!” you scream. Momentarily forgetting its Black Friday and you’re on top of a display shelf. All of a sudden, you’re aware that everyone has stopped what they are doing and is staring up at you.

  Quick, do something! Your mind squeals. But as you were climbing up the shelving, it never occurred to you how to get back down. Glancing around, trying desperately to assess your predicament, you realize the aisle behind you is full of comforters. Thinking fast, you toss several on the floor with the intention of jumping on them, thus ensuring a soft landing.

  “Stop!” yells a voice behind you. Not risking getting caught, instead you hurl yourself off the shelf and, as if in slow motion, you free fall toward the awaiting comforters. Unfortunately, you forgot they were packaged in plastic and don’t make for a very soft landing. Yep. You knock your noggin smack on the floor.

  “That’s going to leave a mark,” you utter right before everything goes black.

  Next thing you’re aware of are store personnel bringing you a cup of steaming latte and asking you if you need anything. Folks dressed in Santa helper costumes carried a recliner over from furniture. Reclining in it, you couldn’t be more comfortable. Someone from the bakery has brought you a tray of freshly baked donuts. A representative from the electronics department brings you the very last Logitech Squeezebox Touch. The assistant manager has asked you for your list so he can have the store’s associates gather all the items. And to top it off…the store’s manager hands you a $1,000 shopping spree with no expiration date.

  You honestly can’t believe all this attention is for you. But then the manager tells his assistant to notify the media because you’re a hero. You’re flabbergasted. This can’t be happening, you say to yourself as you take another bite of a jelly donut. The attention is a little overwhelming, after all, you’re quite sure you probably broke a few store policies when you climbed the shelving then flung yourself off the other side onto a pile of bedding. But everyone is being so Holiday Spirit-ed.

  Asking what all the fuss is about the manager said when you landed you fell on Lefty Little Fingers who dresses up like Santa’s helper only to steal jewelry and other high priced items. A shady dwarf with a rap sheet taller than he is; Lefty has been on the run since a botched robbery attempt two weeks earlier. Wow! You had no idea.

  Biting into a chocolate donut you ask if they will carry you over to electronics so you can watch TV while you wait on the media to arrive. Of course, they are more than happy to fulfill your every wish and place you in front of a 67” flat screen. Meanwhile, store associates start delivering the items on your list and placing them beside the recliner. You decide the chair is extremely comfortable and ask the manager how much it is. He laughs and says, “It’s on the house, you’ve earned it.”

  “Amazing, simply amazing,” you reply laughing with him. Suddenly there’s a commotion coming down one of the aisles. You hear the murmur of many voices, yet you can’t make out what they are saying. Excited you strain to listen...

  “Excuse me, but are you shopping today?” someone asks as they shake your arm. “Because if you’re not going to buy that recliner, I’m going to have to ask you to get up so these folks can look at it.”

  “Huh? What?” you stammer temporarily confused. Was it all a dream? You wonder recalling your leap onto the bedding. Obviously you blacked out and shoppers carried you to the furniture department, then left you…but for how long? “Excuse me, but what time is it?” you manger to utter through the confusion.

  “Three o’clock.”

  What??!! It can’t be. All the best sales ended at noon! This isn’t fair. You missed it. You missed everything. What will your family and friends say? Instead of a hero, you’ll be a laughing stalk. Forgetting your list, you walk slowly out of the store trying to come up with a plausible story to tell everyone why you didn’t buy anything on the biggest shopping day of the year.

  Hey, maybe you could tell them you were abducted by aliens.

  Can you imagine…if it was all worth it?

  The Christmas Wish

  Column #180 12-17-09

  I’m rushing around so fast my head is spinning,

  Only seven days left and I’m just beginning.

  Lights are strung, music is playing and snow is in the air,

  Dickens, I’ll have to park a mile away and walk from there.

  It’s cold! It’s cold! I’m walking fast because my fingers are freezing,

  I hope the store’s heat is on so I won’t start sneezing.

  Geesh, I can’t believe the crowds this year,

  Wow, look over there…a real live reindeer.

  Oh my goodness, what have they done,

  Someone’s moved the “Barrel of Fun”.

  Now where did I put my Christmas List?

  I want to make sure I don’t forget any gifts.

  Let’s see…candles for mom, a sweatshirt for dad,

  And Sissy wants a new camera real bad.

  Uncle Al likes hot sauce and suspenders in bright red,

  Aunt Flossy said little Joey wants a brand new sled.

  Good grief, this list keeps growing longer every year,

  Obviously, I have more family than I can afford it appears.

  There are so many choices; I don’t know where to start,

  Does anyone know how to take this gadget apart?

  Yikes! The perfect pair of toe socks just got snatched away.

  This shopping trip is not turning out to be very productive today.

  Why didn’t I stay home and order on-line this year?

  Yum, is that fresh popcorn popping I hear?

  I fear I won’t get all these presents bought in time,

  If I don’t have gifts for everyone, they won’t be kind.

  Where did all the helpful ‘holiday’ sales staff go?

  “Someone help me please! I’m
looking for fake snow!”

  Oh, there’s a bag, I’ll just grab it and be ready to leave.

  “Hey lady, move aside! This is my bag of snow, if you please!”

  Oops, must remember my Christmas Spirit while I’m here,

  Ugh, nineteen more presents on my list…oh dear.

  Wow, there sure are a lot of trees and holiday decorations on the floor,

  Gosh, does anyone remember the meaning of Christmas anymore?

  Why has Christmas gotten so commercial these days?

  Plastic Santa’s and snow globes aren’t what’s it’s all about anyway.

  It makes me feel like I should take this list and tear it right in two.

  Because the only real thing on my Christmas List this year is this wish for you.

  I wish you all the joy, happiness, health and blessings your life can hold.

  Yes, My Christmas Wish for everyone is all the wonderful possibilities life may unfold.

  Friends, try not to get caught up in the season’s craziness. Besides, the best gift you can give anyone is overflowing, endless amounts of loving-kindness.

  A smile.

  A hug.

  A kind word.

  A thoughtful gesture.

  A shoulder to lean on.

  An ear to listen.

  A helpful hand.

  A positive attitude.

  Keep loving-kindness on your list now and always.